Friendly table companions who forced us to speak German, charming hosts who are also gifted chefs and the smart surroundings of The Naked Lunch in Mitte, made this a night to remember. Rollin Restaurant is so popular that we only made it in on our third attempt, and it more than lived up to our pent-up expectations. Watch their Facebook Page for event announcements, and be ready to pounce to secure a much sought-after place at their table.
1. Finally seeing the infamous Wolfgang Tillman’s arsehole photograph in the “flesh”, blown up (so to speak) and mounted (er) at the end of the Panorama Bar. That’s a weird highlight to pick isn’t it?
2manydjs, my all-time favourite disc jockays, are in Berlin this week to play the Bread & Butter opening party. I’ve loved them since they (pretty much) invented the mashup mixtape, but haven’t seen them play since some stolen nights in fabric back in 2005, when they dropped classics like “Easy Lover” all over cutting-edge electro house.
Wahwah.fm were good enough to let me gush all over the brothers Dewaele on their blog, but I’ve saved something very special for my überliners: “Hardcore or die”, an hour of relentless hardcore punk. Circle pit… MOVE!
Having spent a good amount of the last year single, not-so-single and getting the occasional rub up in and around different bar stools, I have found myself at the dregs of 2011 the most utterly unsexed, ungroped and unsnogged since I first entered the eternal cagefight with the opposite sex.
Let me share a little secret: be it boy, girl, hipster, pug, gallery owner, electro DJ, promoter, office manager, toilet cleaner, bar owner, magazine editor, intern, student, protestor, database manager or smelly Sternburg prince; in Berlin you are either hopelessly in love or most weeknights alone, hopelessly self-involved with your right hand. There is a myth (no doubt created by a totally loved-up “bi-curious” “blogger” sat in a “cafe” somewhere, Skyping to their mates back home that they’re either a) “knee deep in German clunge” or b)”living with a performance artist called Greg”) that the streets of Berlin are awash with free pussy and/or dick. I am here to tell you (left) hand on heart that it’s not.
You can expect to spend your first months in Berlin wandering aimlessly about, too shitfaced to even see let alone meet someone, before that sinking feeling kicks in. Why are all your friends a) depressingly relationshipped or b) achingly single? Where are those poor, deluded first pangs of affection for a guy/gal/pug? Why is everyone in this cafe one half of a couple?! Bitch please, you made the one and only mistake you can make in Berlin – thinking that this city likes you.
Berlin, the poor guy (come on, the TV Tower is clearly not a clit!), has had a tough bloody time of it over the last century and he doesn’t want you falling in love and creating more idiots to gurn in future Photoautomats. “But you’re wrong,” I hear you object. “I know lots of people who are getting laid and having a great time!” You’re missing the point. These people are free-love scum and will be destroyed as nuclear level crabs devour them from the inside out.
As I and the rest of the great unwashed ride this rollercoaster of a city, we wonder how the fuck are we going to meet anyone normal enough, good looking enough, to chat and maybe even have a relationship with. “Oh but the grass is always greener, blah blah more fish in the sea…” Well most of the fish in the Spree are vegetarian, political and much much more beautiful than you or I pal- so take your outdated notion of free love and get to the back of the queue. Some of us have been waiting a lot longer than you.
I hereby declare 2012 the year of the single Berliner! Raise your contraceptive device high boys! We’re going the find some thumbs to crawl under!”