Inside Berghain

by James Glazebrook

We’re such teases. If you came here expecting a glimpse inside Berlin’s supergay superclub, forget it – pretty much the only rule the place has is “NO PHOTOS!” If you want more details about what Berghain actually looks like inside (and where exactly to get your freak on), let us suggest these epic articles on Slow Travel Berlin, BANGBANGBERLIN and Resident Advisor.

Instead, we’re listing our favourite attempts to describe the iconic club, in ascending order of awesomeness:

5) “The Best Club in the World” – every dance music publication, every other year

Most recently, Resident Advisor in 2008 and DJ Mag in 2009.

4) “You know that episode of The Simpsons, when Homer takes Bart to a steel mill that turns into a gay club? That.” – @johnontheweb

(Apologies for the shit video quality, but it’s impossible to get decent Simpsons clips online. You get the idea.)

3) “The techno Crystal Maze” – our mate Dan

Orbital at Berghain last weekend:

Orbital play Berghain

2)”The vampire club from Blade” – fellow expat Berliner Heather

In terms of the club’s energy and aesthetic, this is spot on. Also, Berghain is full of sucking and spraying fluids, but of an altogether different kind.

(Sorry, that’s truly disgusting.)

1) “…”

Of course, none of the above descriptions do the place justice. I was in Berghain last Saturday and couldn’t muster the words to describe it (and not for the reasons you might think – I was stone-cold sober). You’ll just have to find out for yourself what make the club so special – if you can make it past the notoriously selective door staff. Good luck!