Sexpat and the City: The Part Time Boyfriend

by Guest Blogger

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New year, new Sexpat. This time, we’re taking the novel approach of getting a woman to write about the trials and tribulations of dating in the city… So let Lucy vs. The Globe be your wing-woman as she trawls the bars, clubs and caffs of Berlin, looking for fresh meat! Or something. First up: she explains the concept of the Part Time Boyfriend.

Many moons ago (over a year, obviously it’s almost an eternity) I wrote about the concept of having a Part Time Boyfriend. This mostly came out of frustration for the dating “scene” in the United States and the comparative ease I felt when wanting to roll around with someone in Australia.

Having just moved to Berlin, I am finding that I want to revisit this concept and it’s proving to be equally as confusing/finicky here as in the US. You see, the problem is – the Germans, they aren’t biting. I arrived into Deutschland with a mostly Part Time Boyfriend. This, however, very quickly turned into a no-time boyfriend. And over six months later I’m still struggling to find a semi-permanent solution to singledom.

The major differences I am finding with the Berliners:

  1. The Deutscher dudes don’t care – Germans are more asexual than the typical San Francisco hipster. It’s not that I want to roll around all the time – but you would think that Germans never do. To be honest – they either masturbate a lot or don’t like rolling. I think the difficulty of this comes from the fact that casual chit chat in a bar is a foreign concept, which obviously makes the pash-and-dash frightfully difficult. I am a reasonably attractive femme, I don’t seem totally crazy upon first encounter, and I’m kind of interesting… YET! It’s somewhat of a laborious task to find a guy on the semi-regular to get around.
  2. German Guys consider their options. Something about them screams, “I don’t throw caution to the wind, I want to hook up with the person I am eventually going to settle down, have babies, buy a stroller, get a sausage dog, and move to Prenzlauer Berg with.” I’m 28 – I don’t want any of these things (lies – I want the dog, I will call it Howard). To be honest, I just wanna kiss your face for an evening, and possibly repeat 2-3 times a week. So stop questioning if kissing me is a good idea – it’s only temporary. It’s not, like, forever.
  3. You only meet guys through friends and then you are friends for like ever until something happens – fuck this. I mean, this is a really good vetting process for the more Full Time Boyfriend vibe – but I just moved here, I don’t have that many friends and I only want you Part Time. I really need for you Deutschers to step out of your comfort zone, talk to a random stranger (me) and be available for a few hours a week, or for an evening.

My answer to all of this is a Part Time Boyfriend. I’m not interested in meeting you through friends, being your mate for like two months, finding that it’s passed that point of jumping each others’ bones, and has become a bit like kissing your sister (if we took it there) and we are better off staying mates. I can’t get those less-than-sexy two months back and it’s all because of the German non-throwing-caution-to-the-wind faff. I just want to find someone who is fun, likes to do cool shit and only wants to hang out a couple of times a week, while kissing on park benches and in the dark corners of bars.

The reasons I am not shooting for a (full time) boyfriend is because I really don’t want to have to answer to someone as to where I am, what I am doing, how my day was – unless I really want to. And to be (Anne) frank that level of commitment is not in my vocabulary – at all.

"Wonder, Stevie - 30 - Part Time Lover - D - 1985" by Klaus Hiltscher under Creative Commons license Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic

“Wonder, Stevie – 30 – Part Time Lover – D – 1985” by Klaus Hiltscher under Creative Commons license Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic

When I’ve spoken with people about all of this the first thing that comes up is: So – you want a fuck buddy? (Sorry Mum if you are reading this). Friends, readers, people that are still unsure as to why they are reading – that is the exact opposite of what I want. A Part Time Boyfriend is not a fuck buddy – this is a crass phrase and it deserves very little attention to start with. But secondly a Part Time Boyfriend needs to cover a few extra bases:

  1. You need to at least sort of like a Part Time Boyfriend/want to hang out with them. If you are solely going into this because you only want to roll, full stop – go to Sexpo. This is about box-ticking – it’s about having a mate to get brunch with and it’s about rolling > at the same time. Obviously – not at the EXACT same time, but you know what I’m saying.
  2. With point 1 in mind, you really don’t want to have to run your entire life by this person. The reason they aren’t your Full Time Boyfriend is so you can have a life – be a onesy, live a somewhat selfish existence, run to the beat of your own drum. With all the benefits of a twosy.
  3. This brings us onto our third point – the benefits of a twosy. The ones you want in a Part Time Boyfriend are: Having a +1 for concerts. On a Sunday – having someone to get food with when everything is on lock down in Europe and all your mates are hung over/still at Berghain. On occasion, having someone think you’re pretty – infrequently, but often enough that you feel special.

There is no real downfall to the Part Time Boyfriend – unless:

  1. You fall in love. Then that really ruins the part-time element of it all. There are (however) a handful of upsides to being loved up, so it’s sort of a win-win… If it’s mutual.
  2. You get herpes. This is a less than an ideal result.

It is entirely possible that I’m a shallow bitch that really just wants an almost-boyfriend for all the worst reasons – but doesn’t everyone..? I mean come on – no one thinks they want a mate so that they have a BFF all the time, everywhere they go – all of that just develops. What we all (initially) strive for is a handsome handbag that socially validates.  However – if you are in fact going into this process of looking for dudes with the wedding dress, the babies and the stroller at the forefront of your mind – is it surprising you are still single?

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