Sexpat and the City: The Part Time Boyfriend
by Guest Blogger
New year, new Sexpat. This time, we’re taking the novel approach of getting a woman to write about the trials and tribulations of dating in the city… So let Lucy vs. The Globe be your wing-woman as she trawls the bars, clubs and caffs of Berlin, looking for fresh meat! Or something. First up: she explains the concept of the Part Time Boyfriend.
Many moons ago (over a year, obviously it’s almost an eternity) I wrote about the concept of having a Part Time Boyfriend. This mostly came out of frustration for the dating “scene” in the United States and the comparative ease I felt when wanting to roll around with someone in Australia.
Having just moved to Berlin, I am finding that I want to revisit this concept and it’s proving to be equally as confusing/finicky here as in the US. You see, the problem is – the Germans, they aren’t biting. I arrived into Deutschland with a mostly Part Time Boyfriend. This, however, very quickly turned into a no-time boyfriend. And over six months later I’m still struggling to find a semi-permanent solution to singledom.
The major differences I am finding with the Berliners:
- The Deutscher dudes don’t care – Germans are more asexual than the typical San Francisco hipster. It’s not that I want to roll around all the time – but you would think that Germans never do. To be honest – they either masturbate a lot or don’t like rolling. I think the difficulty of this comes from the fact that casual chit chat in a bar is a foreign concept, which obviously makes the pash-and-dash frightfully difficult. I am a reasonably attractive femme, I don’t seem totally crazy upon first encounter, and I’m kind of interesting… YET! It’s somewhat of a laborious task to find a guy on the semi-regular to get around.
- German Guys consider their options. Something about them screams, “I don’t throw caution to the wind, I want to hook up with the person I am eventually going to settle down, have babies, buy a stroller, get a sausage dog, and move to Prenzlauer Berg with.” I’m 28 – I don’t want any of these things (lies – I want the dog, I will call it Howard). To be honest, I just wanna kiss your face for an evening, and possibly repeat 2-3 times a week. So stop questioning if kissing me is a good idea – it’s only temporary. It’s not, like, forever.
- You only meet guys through friends and then you are friends for like ever until something happens – fuck this. I mean, this is a really good vetting process for the more Full Time Boyfriend vibe – but I just moved here, I don’t have that many friends and I only want you Part Time. I really need for you Deutschers to step out of your comfort zone, talk to a random stranger (me) and be available for a few hours a week, or for an evening.
My answer to all of this is a Part Time Boyfriend. I’m not interested in meeting you through friends, being your mate for like two months, finding that it’s passed that point of jumping each others’ bones, and has become a bit like kissing your sister (if we took it there) and we are better off staying mates. I can’t get those less-than-sexy two months back and it’s all because of the German non-throwing-caution-to-the-wind faff. I just want to find someone who is fun, likes to do cool shit and only wants to hang out a couple of times a week, while kissing on park benches and in the dark corners of bars.
The reasons I am not shooting for a (full time) boyfriend is because I really don’t want to have to answer to someone as to where I am, what I am doing, how my day was – unless I really want to. And to be (Anne) frank that level of commitment is not in my vocabulary – at all.
“Wonder, Stevie – 30 – Part Time Lover – D – 1985” by Klaus Hiltscher under Creative Commons license Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic
When I’ve spoken with people about all of this the first thing that comes up is: So – you want a fuck buddy? (Sorry Mum if you are reading this). Friends, readers, people that are still unsure as to why they are reading – that is the exact opposite of what I want. A Part Time Boyfriend is not a fuck buddy – this is a crass phrase and it deserves very little attention to start with. But secondly a Part Time Boyfriend needs to cover a few extra bases:
- You need to at least sort of like a Part Time Boyfriend/want to hang out with them. If you are solely going into this because you only want to roll, full stop – go to Sexpo. This is about box-ticking – it’s about having a mate to get brunch with and it’s about rolling > at the same time. Obviously – not at the EXACT same time, but you know what I’m saying.
- With point 1 in mind, you really don’t want to have to run your entire life by this person. The reason they aren’t your Full Time Boyfriend is so you can have a life – be a onesy, live a somewhat selfish existence, run to the beat of your own drum. With all the benefits of a twosy.
- This brings us onto our third point – the benefits of a twosy. The ones you want in a Part Time Boyfriend are: Having a +1 for concerts. On a Sunday – having someone to get food with when everything is on lock down in Europe and all your mates are hung over/still at Berghain. On occasion, having someone think you’re pretty – infrequently, but often enough that you feel special.
There is no real downfall to the Part Time Boyfriend – unless:
- You fall in love. Then that really ruins the part-time element of it all. There are (however) a handful of upsides to being loved up, so it’s sort of a win-win… If it’s mutual.
- You get herpes. This is a less than an ideal result.
It is entirely possible that I’m a shallow bitch that really just wants an almost-boyfriend for all the worst reasons – but doesn’t everyone..? I mean come on – no one thinks they want a mate so that they have a BFF all the time, everywhere they go – all of that just develops. What we all (initially) strive for is a handsome handbag that socially validates. However – if you are in fact going into this process of looking for dudes with the wedding dress, the babies and the stroller at the forefront of your mind – is it surprising you are still single?
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>>I will call it Howard
Why “it”? He could hardly be an inanimate object. Dogs have exactly as much gender as you do.
s any consolation, men are not good in handling heartaches.
If you take this route you will give him a chance to get accustomed to the idea of being close to you without the pressure of
feeling like he has to make a decision about whether or not to be your boyfriend right away.
One of the signs that your ex boyfriend is still in love with you is if he often contacts you.
First of all, lovely article. Somebody was supposed to start talking about this already. And then: Have you tried being a expat guy in this city? For fuck’s sake, really. German guys might be overcautious and even sexually boring (as my girl-friends tell me. “They don’t push”, was the comment), but girls might even come out as the winners, in this weird competition of sexually inadequacy and social awkwardness.
I’m totally aware that my experience is only that, my experience, but after 3 different cases of “what-da-fuq-is-going-on” lucid moments during bungabunga times, I realized there’s something really wrong here. I’ve experienced everything, from the rare “I turn around during intercourse and fall sleep” till the magnificent “I let you do and then nothing, nothing nothing”, that makes you question your own physical existence and even puts in the table the fact that maybe you missed one class on sexual education, the one that explains that actually when two people are having sex, they might be only ONE person, having sex. I’m not a Casablanca. I’m not a player. Fuck, I’m even proud of those things. And nobody complained so far, plus when I go back to my home country, I have full, worth-remembering sexual experiences. But now, every time I consider going out and maybe meeting some funny lady with a twisted sense of humor to spend the nite with and have some laughs, I normally come to the conclusion that I’d rather stay home and watch a movie. I’ve started to think that it’s less tiring, funnier, and the odds are that you won’t have a weird moment in the morning. How flippin wrong is that?
ive been in berlin now 8 years. and i have to tell you that germans are very smart people and were raised to be suspicious. and they see right through your just want to get in the sack game. one night stands or pt time boyfriend is for university kids, you are almost 30. this type of attitude is seen as disrespectful and can lead to hurt, and the germans know this. my suggestion is, go to a turkish hang-out. these guys will be happy to shag you, with no relationship. and they will treat you accordingly.
In all sincerity, Andy. That was well versed…applause.
[…] your prospective part time boyfriend/girlfriend doesn’t come out with ANY money, on the first date – then this is going to be a […]
[…] your prospective part time boyfriend/girlfriend doesn’t come out with ANY money, on the first date – then this is going to be a […]
[…] your prospective part time boyfriend/girlfriend doesn’t come out with ANY money, on the first date – then this is going to be a […]
[…] your prospective part time boyfriend/girlfriend doesn’t come out with ANY money, on the first date – then this is going to […]
Here in the US they call it ‘dating’.
Hey Lucy, I’m a German guy and obviously you’ve not met me.. 😉 But i agree i also find a lot of German girls r shockingly prude or overthink things just like a lot of German guys…i used to b like that myself probably til my early 20s…i think people do need to relax and open up a bit more over here…
It’s true, Germans don’t do smalltalk, but physically they’re usually quite a liberal, open-minded people. Being an ‘old style’ Berliner, i.e. having grown up in the city in the 70s and 80s I can say that finding sexual partners was never a problem (part-time, friends, easy, challenging, drama… you name it)… So either a) times have changed (I’m nor really ‘on the hunt’ anymore these days) or b) it’s communication problems (my friend who speaks perfect German, but grew up in the UK says she just doesn’t ‘get’ the German male, their signals. My advice would be: less talking, get in there (but don’t blame me for potential misunderstandings 🙂
I have tried to write back to this – like 4 times, I couldn’t agree more. Germans are the best, when it:
** hasn’t gotten too serious that they contemplate if this is *really* going anywhere.
** you have met them a few times, and you are already in their circle.
** talking hard hitting topics hasn’t surfaced yet.
I think maybe the answer is short-time part -ime boyfriends. LINE THEM UP!
@Blogger I agree with you. The first thing is, that a lot of girls only a boyfriend need to representing him in her girls community, environment and for the “social conventions”.
If the community ask: “What, you have no boyfriend…… Why?” and the other members say oh i’m so in love although it is not true. And you, if you have no boyfriend and want only a friend for fun and activities, then you have permanent to justify yourself against your friends.
So your way is a good way for your needs and well.. stop thinking about the statements from the community, because we are not living in the 19th century or before.
Guillaume – you are delicious X
It’s a pretty flawed concept you’re going for. You basically want all the benefits of being single and in a relationship without the drawbacks. You can’t rely on someone being your +1 to events if you, at the drop of the hat, want them to leave you alone when you need space. It’s quite selfish, as you hinted at in the last paragraph.
Sounds to me like you simply need to be single or work a situation where someone validates your need for a lot of alone time. I’d suggest you take a look at the way you’re communicating with others, how honestly and directly you’re portraying what you actually want versus what you think you’re supposed to do in public. You might get a different response.
And for the record — I think it’s insanely easy to find people in Berlin who are not obsessed with relationships and commitment. In fact, it seems strange to me based on my experience to hear this coming from you. I’d stop stereotyping ‘Germans’ and just take each person as they come based on their personality, tell them what you want up front and see what happens.
Spot on, it’s entirely flawed – but a femme can dream!
@Tom perfect “argumentation” because it sounds like Inquisition and is a regular statement from the “good community friends” to people, when they want another typ of guy for fun and activities and not for marriage.
The world is not only a area with white and black thinking and on one side single persons and on the other side married people. Thinking in color and not in grey mud.
Lucy is a cute girl; she can do what she wants.
And where is the problem, when a girl only wants a good PartTimeBoyfriend for activities, take the benefits, have fun and have also her free space to do other things? Such a relationship is more credible such 1000 other “real love relationships” for the community.
Think different! The life is not a one-way road (:
I was going to try and respond with similar ideas, but I think Tom phrased it better than I could.
I’m from Barcelona (a place I consider very forward-thinking in terms of relationships), I lived in Berlin for a year, in Toulouse for another, and now in New York for the past 4.
I’ve got upset a lot of times for what I consider an incredibly confined and rule-based dating system in NYC, and I have the temptation to stereotype people approach to relationships by where they come from.
In my best moments of clarity, however, I understand that what really is going on when you’re not able to find the arrangement you’re looking for is not a misalignment of expectations caused by culture, but a misalignment of the way to communicate those expectations.
That is something you can only handle by diving into the culture and understanding how things work. Every culture has a different way of approaching, and you may think you’re sending signs when the other person may not be getting them, or the other way around. There is only trial and error.
We’re all fascinating people, it’s fun to make mistakes.
If you were a 28 y/o gay man your quest would be much easier. In fact I could probably write an article lamenting the exact opposite of what you’re experiencing (gay men in Berlin don’t wanna have dogs together. Or hamsters. Or even very old goldfish).
But anyway, since you’re in Germany now I think you should adjust the terminology here. They have Mini-Jobs instead of Part-time Jobs, so you should be looking for a Mini-Boyfriend (although this will probably encourage every man under 1.70 m to hit on you)
Being a gay dude in this city sounds like a riot.
Ypou don’t only meet guys through friends. For me it just sounds like you wait for the guys to talk to you.
Who told you?
Lucy, you are not alone. Even for me as a German this whole Berlin Dating Concept that is going on (or actually NOT going on) is very irritating.
Maybe we should start an überlin Singles Night! Or would that be creepy, as we’re a married couple? #swingles
yes.
Do it. Host it at Kit Kat.
haha, so true. i’ve been here for almost a year, and almost every german guy i met chickened out after he felt it got “too serious”. even if i explained to him that that wasn’t what i wanted.. ough 😀
Thinking things are getting/ are “too serious” gives me the shits. I wouldn’t even know howwww.
The good part is that there are always singles in your area wanting to meet you. At least that is what the internet tells me.
This is a lovely article.
The internet is my true love.
xaxaxaxax, this is hilarious , nice article!!loved it!!
<3